top of page

i got a new microwave

2 days ago my dad broke the fukin microwave cos he tried to cook a jacket potato for an hour. the nerve. who the fuk cooks a jacket potato in the microwave, that's not how you cook a jacket potato.

you put it in the oven for 6 hours, burn the bastard then crack it open with a hammer and chisel, shit ton of lurpak, arseload of tuna mayo and get to fuk.


so the microwave was broken, they said they where gonna fix it but I knew that was a fifthly fukin lie, the washing machine broke 3 years ago, and guess what, im still washing my jumpers in the sink.


so this morning, now 2 days with no microwave, I thought fuk it. im gonna take this into my own god dam hands. I buy a microwave from Argos (online) I gotta go pick it up straight away. but then I remembered that Morrisons delivery is coming at 11am. it was 10:35am


FOR CHIRST i thought, iv fuking done it now

iv gotta be in to get the shopping cos my fat lazy brother stays in bed until 1pm.

I ran to the car, 1.2 corsa, white, 2 door, nothing serious, pull out the drive and speed towards town centre. it normally takes 20 minuets to get there, but not today, through a series of extraordinary manoeuvres I make it to the car park behind Weatherspoon's by 10:47am.

i'd done the journey in 12 minutes.

I hit every green light and as I pulled into the car park some cunt was just leaving so I got a nice spot. then they wanted a quid to park, fucking globalist pigs, I paid the quid, put the ticket on the dash board and fucked off through town on foot.


I made it to Argos, there was only 2 other people in there, some old ladies I overheard talking about buying a mattress.

and guess what, just when I needed a quick experience, I needed to be in and out in 3 minuets to make it back in time for Morrisons.

and guess what, these 2 old frogs WHERE TAKING THE FUKING PISS MATE

taking ages at the fukin counter talking about this bastard mattress


I overhead something about a warranty, they wanted a longer warranty because the one that comes standard with that mattress was 'only' 15 years.

like, BITCH, you're 80 years old, you aint gonna see the end of the standard warranty

take the fuking deal you stupid cunt

but it went like that for a few minuets


so I crept up real close behind them, and because I look like a threat, that normally hurries people up. that's why you wanna look like a domestic terrorist, its useful in those situations. anyway, these 2 old toads eventually fucked off and I stepped up to the counter, gave the man my order number and he fuks off into the back to get my microwave. he comes back in seconds, they must of had it ready. well good, that's the fucking point.


I leave Argos, I walk fast, you can't run carrying a kitchen appliance because you look like you've pinched it. so I walk fast back to the Weatherspoon's car park, throw the microwave in the passenger footwell, pull a sweet 180 and scramble out of town.


now its 10:56, whatever I do im not making it back for 11:00. my Morrisons delivery slot is booked for 11:00-11:15, normally they come closer to the end of the slot, but you can guarantee this morning they'd fucking be on time the cheeky bastards.


I hit every green light coming out of town, but then onto the main road with those painful average speed cameras. 50mph on that road is absolutely fuking disgraceful. it WAS 60 but then some twat fucked his lotus into a bus stop and killed a family. so now we all have to drive at 50 because of that fuking arsehole.


so I sit at 50, on an open country road, with no cars in front of me, clear skies and dry as a bone, I used to do 90 down here before these bastard cameras, but now I do 50 while staring at the speedo so I don't go over, I already have 11 points.


eventually I get off the main road, barely fifty feet after the last average speed camera im doing 100mph, both windows down, Alice in Chains, man in a box, full volume


wooooooont yooouuuuuuuuuu coooooooommeeeeee annnnnddddd save me

ohhhh save me

FIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YA YA YIN MY EYES

can't you sow them sh..JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EE EE EE sus CHRRRIIIIIIIIIISSSTTTTTTTTTTTT

DENY YOUR MAKER


I get home at 11:09am

Morrisons hasn't come yet

I take the microwave into the kitchen

unbox it, plug it in, start setting the time and date on the little display when 'knock knock'

guess who it is

Morrisons WITH MY FUCKING FOOD

we made it everybody

after that morning I was shaking for the rest of the day

now I have a new microwave


hours later my parents get back, now its 2/3pm

I hear them go into the kitchen and see the microwave

my witch mother walks out the kitchen and calls upstairs

"did you get a new microwave?"

you know what I said

"FUCK YOU"

(slams bedroom door)




5,204 views6 comments

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page